Sunday, October 12, 2008

WA2 Final Draft: You aren't supposed to understand...

Drexel was always ready for a challenge. Chief had trained him that way since he found him on the streets. He carried him from the crib out on the curb outside his apartment 17 years ago. The snow was gently falling from the sky like dust from a ceiling fan. He slowly bent over to look inside to see a small sleeping baby with brown hair and a small yellow blanket covering his body. Chief's job wasn't, a normal cubical, computer and coffee job. He was an alien bounty hunter for the ABHA. (Alien Bounty Hunter Association) Now Drexel had taken his position, ever since chief had disappeared in the quantum space void. Drexel was unable to find peace in his life or his job. The only thing that was a comfort was Etaf. The one thing that brought his job a good feeling. Etaf was a shimmer of light in his room of darkness. Etaf was from the void. He was a Follanian. Follanians are a somewhat human species with the ability to control little particles to move things or do things that are we as humans are unable to do. Drexel and him had been inseparable since they met.
Drexel stood motionless in the damp and dusky apartment. The floor was wet with only god knows what. Drexel had seen some weird things during his lifetime. This one was a knew type of fiend that he was assigned to dispatch of. The growls of the two monsters could be heard from inside the next room. They were Zoltar Gargantuans. Beasts from the Gablo Nebula who feast on anything that walks. If they are not in the same pack, they will sometimes devour each other fora meal.
They were unaware of Drexel's presence. He looked around without moving, slowly reaching for his reno. Suddenly, He heard a creak from the kitchen. He was being hunted. The hunter being hunted. They were smart but he wasn't ready to give up. He pulled the reno from its holder. Slowly pointed it at the door, when SLAM! One of the creatures had slammed through the wall, leaving a massive opening in the barrier. The creature leaped with immense force at Drexel. He shot the reno twice, hitting the beast in the chest and forehead. it fell to the ground, with an ear shuddering scream. In a split second the beast in the kitchen was hurdling through the air, snarling at Drexel. He quickly ducked, and rolled forward. The beast flew into the wall and broke through. As he quickly got up he could hear the monster rolling around, making its way off the ground. Drexel was no idiot. He knew what his job involved. He knew the circumstances. This monster was as good as dead. He aimed his reno towards the hole when the beast jumped out and lunged towards him. Drexel jumped it and quickly activated his electron sword, quickly slicing the fiend's front leg off. He hit the beast on his way to the other side, leaving a gash in his arm. He quickly turned around to see a Zoltar Gargantuan rolling on the floor, screaming in pain. He walked over to the beast, reno in hand.
Back at the apartment, Drexel logged on to his network's database to collect his fee. The Gargantuan couple was taken care of and the Tolhanian's living in that neighborhood were happy. Etaf was not here for some reason. Etaf had no experience with Gargantuans so Drexel told him to take another mission. WOOSSHH! Etaf returned. Drexel was eager to find out what mission he had decided to take. Through the door walked Etaf, with blood and gashes covering his body. He fell to the ground. Drexel ran to his side and picked him up. While carrying him over to the bed he noticed his right hand had a "C" with a cross through it carved into his palm. The crusaders had done this to him. Quickly changing his train of thought, he tended to his woulds.
"Drexel...", Etaf softly spoke.
"What happened?", Drexel said gently.
"Ambushed...Crusaders...Gargantuans...Decoy...", Etaf whispered.
Three hours later, Drexel was slowly examining the wounds of Etaf. Etaf's chest, arm's and face were where the major wounds covered. He noticed the deeper wounds. They were very thin but buried deep within the skin. He noticed them and thought of ice crevices. Burying deep within the earth. The texture of his skin was rough around the wounds, as if the cuts were affecting his skin around the wounds.
Drexel quietly thought to himself about the situation. Looks like the crusaders palace in the northern ice caps of Thal would have to be visited to find out the meaning of this madness. Etaf would have to stay back, considering his condition. Thorou, an old friend of Chief, would have to come over and watch over Etaf. Drexel was going to stop for nothing until he got to the bottom of all this.

1 comment:

Ms. Wiesner said...

Very nice, "The snow was gently falling from the sky like dust from a ceiling fan."

I would combine your second and third sentences. "Found him" and "found him " is repeditive.

Capitalize Chief every time.

Take out the "in his life" in the second sentence here: "Ever since chief had disappeared in the quantum space void, Drexel was unable to find peace in his life. The only thing that was a comfort in his life was Etaf."

This fragment isn't working, "The one thing that brought his job a good feeling."

There is a big gap between the first and second paragraph. It left me confused.

This fragment doesn't work either, "Slowly reaching for his reno."

You use a lot of unusual words without explaining them: Reno, Tolhanian, Zoltar Gargantuan .

"He watched as the computer showed him what the meaning of all this was." But you don't tell the readers what the meaning is.

Interesting, but I'm left confused.